Behaviour Modelling v/s Controlling
All my life I was wanting “Y” (goals and desires for self, off-roading, skydiving etc.) while my energies were focussed on “X” (typical goals of a parent for the only child, first in all fields). I have always admired various thing in people and have aspired to be like them but could not do it over the yearssssssss and felt only depressed, sad, the feeling coming out in the form of my impatient behaviour, inability to tolerate less competent people around, irritation, sadness and disconnection with feelings related to joy and happiness.
But I was not ready to accept that I cannot do those things. I wanted, “X” to happen to that I will then be able to concentrate on “Y”. This was nothing but self-sabotage, we all know that the body gets use to a pattern of emotions and physical activity, in my case – inactivity (too lazy to do anything) so, I was repeating the same behaviour every day, which by no means was helpful for anyone at all. Until one day, when I thought of rationalizing my desire for “X” and leave it to God and destiny. This momentary detachment from goal “X” created a little space in my mind which allowed me to look at goal “Y” realistically and I learned that all this while I could have worked simultaneously towards achieving “Y” maybe in small steps … but I could have. So, I stood up to myself and accepted the fact that it is my laziness and the convenient excuses that I was able to give myself are responsible for my state of being and nothing else. And somewhere “X” success or failure is a reflection of “Y” success …. actually failure so far. This AHA !!! moment and the enlightenment was a turning point.
The solution now was in science called “Behaviour Modelling”…. so I corrected my energies and made a list of allllllll, (from buying baking utensils to seemingly impossible desires) the things that I wanted to do and categorized them according to achievability in terms of time and direct control. I started to act upon without discussing much with anyone except my own body and mind. Gradually feeling better with myself. The positive feeling in self was like immediate positive feedback and reinforcement, an enabler to do more. With this change in me and my energy circle, I could notice the movement in “X” too. Not as per my desires though but the movement was much better now than how it was earlier and I have also rationalized my expectations because I feel better (happy) with myself.
“Behaviour Modelling” is one of the oldest methods of changing the behaviour of people around us. Children watch how we behave, and what they observe shapes their understanding of what is and is not acceptable, manageable and doable. They observe how we interact with others, how we deal with our conflicts (internal and external), and how we deal with making mistakes and apologies. Eventually, no matter where they graduate from, how sharp their IQ becomes their EQ and behaviour model parents' only.
Children want to act like their role models, not just talk like them. Children learn as much, if not more from our actions as they do from our words. Therefore, integrity is the best policy. Do as you say and say as you do. This kind of consistency helps your child form reliable patterns of the relationship between attitudes and actions.
So, I asked myself am I being a positive role model? Am I showing respect for others and my child? Am I honest about my actions to myself? Am I demonstrating integrity? Is there a match in my words and actions? How am I providing her environment or intrinsic motivation to take responsibility and grow?
I listed things that I wouldn’t want my child’s role model to do, and make sure that I don’t do that anymore. I learned that reviewing our own conduct means being honest with ourselves, about ourselves and it feels so sorted and renewed. As I grew as a mother, as a manager I saw everyone (my child, my team members) around me growing and coming closer.
I learned that push and micromanagement is no solution ever. The more we try to control the more we lose it. Key is to do your best and give space to others as well to find their own ways and let them nourish. We should mentor our child/subordinate by providing them
- with the opportunities to solve problems independently
- guidance to evaluate their own problem-solving strategies, think ahead about the consequences of alternative ways to solve a problem.
- help to handle mistakes and failures. Ask about learnings from his mistakes.
You cannot make a child better by making them feel worse. If you want to change attitudes, start with a change in behaviour………William Glasser
Note @ the child and parents can be replaced with a team member if you are a manager, organization if we are leaders. Organisations culture/behaviour is nothing but a leader’s reflection. The efficiency of a team depends on his manager’s capability.